Grades are in...

Let's get the bad (but expected news) out of the way first. I will be repeating Organic Chemistry 1. I got a B in Physics 2 and a B+ in Physics 2 Lab. Needless to say I am extremely happy those two classes were not catastrophically affected this semester.


Well despite the B and B+ the F lowers my cumulative gpa far enough that I am (for the second time in my life) on academic probation (well this time around it's called academic warning).


I keep telling myself what's done is done. I can't change what's happened. I can only go forward. I've gained 80 pounds since December 2010. Specifically I gained 30 pounds between September and December. If that's not an indicator that something is (was) wrong I don't know what is.


I want to do this. I know I can do this (hard science).... but it seems like something goes awry in my life. Anxiety and depression set in and all that I've worked so hard for... I let it all get shot to hell.


A part of me wonders, will I ever be able to be not consumed with anxiety? My doctor has me off my antidepressants to show me that I can manage on my own. Whether I have to take a pill ever day or not doesn't bother me. Functioning like a normal human being is all that matters to me!!!!! I hate being off of my medication. I HATE BEING OFF OF MY MEDICATION.


I never thought of this, but should I take this semester off and just work (full time) and focus on getting healthy? How can I become a doctor if I cannot be disciplined with my own damn health?! Maybe that's what I need to do. Step back and regroup. The time would be not be wasted. I could give myself 6 solid months of just work and focusing on my weight, and then start to branch out and perhaps volunteer in the summer. Maybe take a summer class (not orgo though). Repeating orgo in the summer is not wise considering I failed it the first time around. Then again, I really do not want to retake it next fall with the same professors and huge class of 1000+ students total (not that I'm blaming the professors for my bad grade).


All in all, when I look back at my two worst semesters ever fall 2005 and fall 2011, I can easily recognize that it was not just the challenging course(s) that were the problem. Mentally and emotionally I was struggling.... struggling for a reason to get up in the morning.....At then end of the day, no one cares about the whys I suppose. I can't get caught up in that though. I have to just keep going. Even the most successful people endure some kind of setback, no?


In sum, I think I should take the following course of action:
1. Getting physically well must be a top priority. Nothing can get in the way of that. I am extremely unhappy with my body. Not for vanity sake, but because my body literally hurts. I am physically so uncomfortable. I can't stand it anymore..... I haven't gotten my period in over 60 days (I am NOT pregnant...I repeat I am NOT pregnant... seriously, unless I am the next Virgin Mary I am not pregnant). Plans to see a doctor about this are pending....


2. Mental health... I've been in therapy, and my improvement is like a roller coaster... I go up and down.... I need to once and for all figure out how I can get on the path of a well adjusted person. My doctor says give myself a few months off the medication. I don't have the luxury of experimenting with life!!! I need to be mentally strong. GIVE ME MY FUCKING MEDICATION. There was a reason I went on it in the first place!!!!! It is not a magic pill, but it helped me IMMENSELY!!! If it's not broke don't fix it.


3. Make a decision about Orgo. Should I retake it now? Should I wait until next fall? I want to retake it now... but a part of me feels a sense of relief at the thought of not repeating it right now. Focusing on weight and mental health seem like a good option. Or maybe take a class not as challenging as Orgo?


4. Stop working extra hours at work! I may think it's good for me (get more work done), but I may be (unknowingly until now) burning myself out. Perhaps that's my problem. I overload myself too much.




*Sighs*....Any thoughts or suggestions?..... it would be much appreciated.