I'm back!

Hello Blog World,

I'm back! Or rather should I say.. I'm still here? As usual life got in the way of keeping up with blogging. In any case, I definitely think an update is in order.

1. I am taking just one class this semester. I resisted the urge of overestimating my abilities and taking two classes, and all I can say is: THANK GOODNESS. Right now with working full time, therapy, and trying to lose weight I really don't know how I could have handled taking another class. So pat on the back for me for breaking a pattern (biting off more than I can chew).

2. The weight loss has gone nowhere. I am pushing 270lbs right now. I never thought I could ever get this heavy, but here I am, and I just have to deal with it RIGHT NOW. Not tomorrow, not a week or a month from now, RIGHT NOW. (I know I know who am I trying to convince you or myself?

3. Right now I am signed up to take Orgo 1 and Orgo 2 in the summer. I am nervous to be doing with, but I think the smaller class size and having class every day will be more beneficial to me. Additionally, I realized I didn't want to retake the class in the exact same format in the fall. By completing Orgo in the summer and then the Orgo Lab in the fall, I can focus completely on studying for the MCAT next spring/early summer.

So all in all I'm doing okay. I think I have to care less about work (A LOT LESS) and 10x more about is one class. Perhaps my second biggest mistake last semester (first being biting off more than I could chew) was making my job a bigger priority than I should have. Ah well lesson learned.

Grades are in...

Let's get the bad (but expected news) out of the way first. I will be repeating Organic Chemistry 1. I got a B in Physics 2 and a B+ in Physics 2 Lab. Needless to say I am extremely happy those two classes were not catastrophically affected this semester.


Well despite the B and B+ the F lowers my cumulative gpa far enough that I am (for the second time in my life) on academic probation (well this time around it's called academic warning).


I keep telling myself what's done is done. I can't change what's happened. I can only go forward. I've gained 80 pounds since December 2010. Specifically I gained 30 pounds between September and December. If that's not an indicator that something is (was) wrong I don't know what is.


I want to do this. I know I can do this (hard science).... but it seems like something goes awry in my life. Anxiety and depression set in and all that I've worked so hard for... I let it all get shot to hell.


A part of me wonders, will I ever be able to be not consumed with anxiety? My doctor has me off my antidepressants to show me that I can manage on my own. Whether I have to take a pill ever day or not doesn't bother me. Functioning like a normal human being is all that matters to me!!!!! I hate being off of my medication. I HATE BEING OFF OF MY MEDICATION.


I never thought of this, but should I take this semester off and just work (full time) and focus on getting healthy? How can I become a doctor if I cannot be disciplined with my own damn health?! Maybe that's what I need to do. Step back and regroup. The time would be not be wasted. I could give myself 6 solid months of just work and focusing on my weight, and then start to branch out and perhaps volunteer in the summer. Maybe take a summer class (not orgo though). Repeating orgo in the summer is not wise considering I failed it the first time around. Then again, I really do not want to retake it next fall with the same professors and huge class of 1000+ students total (not that I'm blaming the professors for my bad grade).


All in all, when I look back at my two worst semesters ever fall 2005 and fall 2011, I can easily recognize that it was not just the challenging course(s) that were the problem. Mentally and emotionally I was struggling.... struggling for a reason to get up in the morning.....At then end of the day, no one cares about the whys I suppose. I can't get caught up in that though. I have to just keep going. Even the most successful people endure some kind of setback, no?


In sum, I think I should take the following course of action:
1. Getting physically well must be a top priority. Nothing can get in the way of that. I am extremely unhappy with my body. Not for vanity sake, but because my body literally hurts. I am physically so uncomfortable. I can't stand it anymore..... I haven't gotten my period in over 60 days (I am NOT pregnant...I repeat I am NOT pregnant... seriously, unless I am the next Virgin Mary I am not pregnant). Plans to see a doctor about this are pending....


2. Mental health... I've been in therapy, and my improvement is like a roller coaster... I go up and down.... I need to once and for all figure out how I can get on the path of a well adjusted person. My doctor says give myself a few months off the medication. I don't have the luxury of experimenting with life!!! I need to be mentally strong. GIVE ME MY FUCKING MEDICATION. There was a reason I went on it in the first place!!!!! It is not a magic pill, but it helped me IMMENSELY!!! If it's not broke don't fix it.


3. Make a decision about Orgo. Should I retake it now? Should I wait until next fall? I want to retake it now... but a part of me feels a sense of relief at the thought of not repeating it right now. Focusing on weight and mental health seem like a good option. Or maybe take a class not as challenging as Orgo?


4. Stop working extra hours at work! I may think it's good for me (get more work done), but I may be (unknowingly until now) burning myself out. Perhaps that's my problem. I overload myself too much.




*Sighs*....Any thoughts or suggestions?..... it would be much appreciated.

And so it continues.....

Happy New Year! I have been m.i.a. for a while, but that was just due to the end of the year craziness. I have many posts to publish. Yet, I am still debating about whether I should just post them all at once or trickle them out. Well, I guess we'll just have to see....


This is not the tone I want to set for the new year, but I feel compelled to make a public announcement:


I am starting to think non-fat people think fat people have poor eyesight because why else would they feel the need to remind us that we are fat EVERY WAKING MOMENT OF THE DAY???!!!! It is as though we can't see and feel for ourselves????


Rewind to this morning. I boiled 6 eggs as I have always only eaten the white of boiled eggs. I don't care for yolks unless the eggs are sunny side up. Moving on...before I can even start to eat, a family member proceeds to tell me I cannot eat all of those eggs. I snap back "oh yes I can". I do not explain right away that I am just eating egg whites because I am sick and tired of having to give a play by play of everything I eat. For Christ sake, if I did desire to eat 6 whole eggs I certainly wouldn't be so stupid as to do it right in front of family members. In any case, as you can tell I blew my top and yelled, "I am XX years old! You don't even realize that I am just going to eat egg whites!!!!!!!!" etc. etc. A part of me did feel bad at yelling, but it had to be done.


You see part of this wretched cycle of food addiction (for me at least) is that when someone starts micromanaging what I eat, I have this almost uncontrollable reaction to get out of the house and binge....... The only person I spite by doing this is myself, but even when I was 80 pounds lighter than I am now, it was still the same thing. Never ending micromanagement about what I eat. Oh and no this is not a convenient excuse to go out and eat fast food. I have this problem round the clock, but I have noticed the true binge eating is triggered by conflicts like this.


Later this morning another family member said to me you are going to be more active this year right? I then said to them "Let's not go there." They immediately got angry and defensive... as if I hurt them (and if I did... when it comes to this issue I don't care if their feelings are hurt) This  same person told me I needed to lose weight even when I was 80 pounds lighter and could shop in regular sizes.


I guess what I am trying to say is: To people everywhere, fat people know they are fat!!!! Trust me we do! In fact we really really do. You know what else? You telling us that we can't eat something or that we need to be more active doesn't do a damn thing to make us (or rather me) lose weight.


In sum: FAT PEOPLE KNOW THEY ARE FAT.

Final in Physics 2 on 12/20... so why am I watching football?

First, let me say I will post a better "introductory" post in the days to come. This blog will document mainly my battle with food addiction and my journey to become a doctor. I'll certainly throw in a few other topics here and there though, and yes this blog will certainly be a TMI blog (too much information) all while consciously trying to remain anonymous.

However, for now.....let's cut to the chase, shall we? I have a Physics 2 final on 12/20, but I am in no way prepared for it. So rather than diligently studying from now until then. I am watching NFL games on my computer. In the next 10 minutes I plan on doing the following:

1. get food I am thinking.... McDonald's and Wawa??

2. take a shower and then watch the Real Housewives of Atlanta

3. study downstairs in a 50 minute study + 10 minute break pattern (my therapist recommends that... so I'm just going with it) 

Back in the day, I could study round the clock, get by on little sleep, and do well. This is no longer something I can do. So I won't sabotage myself by even trying that. Come to think of it.... I haven't been able to effectively do that in over 5 years. More importantly, it is just plain DUMB to do this..... cramming is not learning, but seeing as how I have less than 48 hours to study for this final... it is what it is.

My lack of action up to this point is puzzling to say the least since I am 100% sure that I failed Organic Chemistry 1(The final was a couple of days ago. I don't have the final grade, but I can do the math).

So how do I go from getting an A in Biology 1 in Summer 2010 to a B+ in Calculus I, B+ in Chem Lab, A in Prep Chem in the Fall of 2010 to straight A's in the Spring 2011 semester (Chem 1, Physics 1, Physics 1 Lab, and a computer class) to declining into B+, B, and C (A&P 1, A&P2, and Chem 2 respectively) this past summer to getting a for sure F and heaven knows what else this semester?!! There is always a story behind every struggle. 

Unfortunately for me, I have been down this road before. I got a couple of D's and one F back in undergrad too.  The old me would have been on the brink of going off the deep end, but not this time. As the saying goes sh!t happens. If I really want to be a doctor, I have to be willing to do everything I can to climb out of this hole (again). I can't worry about what admission committees will think at this point in time. I need to be short sighted for a while focusing on 1. doing as well as I can on the Physics 2 final 2. work on my food addiction 3. exercise regularly 4. retake and ONLY take Orgo Chem 1 next semester (Since I am going to be working full-time, I think this is more of a rational choice rather than simply a cautious one).

If becoming a doctor is my dream... if this is my passion, I am not going to let this bump in the road hold me back (again). I've battled (and continue to battle) depression, anxiety, and food addiction, and I am still standing. So whatever happens for this semester happens, and I move on.

So my question to you (blogger world), have you had any setbacks in achieving your dreams, academic or otherwise? If so, what helped you? What motivated you to keep going?