Let's get the bad (but expected news) out of the way first. I will be repeating Organic Chemistry 1. I got a B in Physics 2 and a B+ in Physics 2 Lab. Needless to say I am extremely happy those two classes were not catastrophically affected this semester.
Well despite the B and B+ the F lowers my cumulative gpa far enough that I am (for the second time in my life) on academic probation (well this time around it's called academic warning).
I keep telling myself what's done is done. I can't change what's happened. I can only go forward. I've gained 80 pounds since December 2010. Specifically I gained 30 pounds between September and December. If that's not an indicator that something is (was) wrong I don't know what is.
I want to do this. I know I can do this (hard science).... but it seems like something goes awry in my life. Anxiety and depression set in and all that I've worked so hard for... I let it all get shot to hell.
A part of me wonders, will I ever be able to be not consumed with anxiety? My doctor has me off my antidepressants to show me that I can manage on my own. Whether I have to take a pill ever day or not doesn't bother me. Functioning like a normal human being is all that matters to me!!!!! I hate being off of my medication. I HATE BEING OFF OF MY MEDICATION.
I never thought of this, but should I take this semester off and just work (full time) and focus on getting healthy? How can I become a doctor if I cannot be disciplined with my own damn health?! Maybe that's what I need to do. Step back and regroup. The time would be not be wasted. I could give myself 6 solid months of just work and focusing on my weight, and then start to branch out and perhaps volunteer in the summer. Maybe take a summer class (not orgo though). Repeating orgo in the summer is not wise considering I failed it the first time around. Then again, I really do not want to retake it next fall with the same professors and huge class of 1000+ students total (not that I'm blaming the professors for my bad grade).
All in all, when I look back at my two worst semesters ever fall 2005 and fall 2011, I can easily recognize that it was not just the challenging course(s) that were the problem. Mentally and emotionally I was struggling.... struggling for a reason to get up in the morning.....At then end of the day, no one cares about the whys I suppose. I can't get caught up in that though. I have to just keep going. Even the most successful people endure some kind of setback, no?
In sum, I think I should take the following course of action:
1. Getting physically well must be a top priority. Nothing can get in the way of that. I am extremely unhappy with my body. Not for vanity sake, but because my body literally hurts. I am physically so uncomfortable. I can't stand it anymore..... I haven't gotten my period in over 60 days (I am NOT pregnant...I repeat I am NOT pregnant... seriously, unless I am the next Virgin Mary I am not pregnant). Plans to see a doctor about this are pending....
2. Mental health... I've been in therapy, and my improvement is like a roller coaster... I go up and down.... I need to once and for all figure out how I can get on the path of a well adjusted person. My doctor says give myself a few months off the medication. I don't have the luxury of experimenting with life!!! I need to be mentally strong. GIVE ME MY FUCKING MEDICATION. There was a reason I went on it in the first place!!!!! It is not a magic pill, but it helped me IMMENSELY!!! If it's not broke don't fix it.
3. Make a decision about Orgo. Should I retake it now? Should I wait until next fall? I want to retake it now... but a part of me feels a sense of relief at the thought of not repeating it right now. Focusing on weight and mental health seem like a good option. Or maybe take a class not as challenging as Orgo?
4. Stop working extra hours at work! I may think it's good for me (get more work done), but I may be (unknowingly until now) burning myself out. Perhaps that's my problem. I overload myself too much.
*Sighs*....Any thoughts or suggestions?..... it would be much appreciated.
3 comments:
First, congrats on starting the path to medical school. It is a long, arduous road one fraught with a lot of "Dear God, wth am I thinking?"
Second, if you were on meds and they were working, I'd go back to them. There is no reason not to be on medication and while I'm not trying to play doctor here and override what a physician said, it seems to me that if it ain't broke, don't break it.
Third, wait on orgo retake until your life is in order. I took a full year off to get my life figured out and straightened out before venturing back. Two things came of that year: one it reinforced that this IS the only place for me and two, it is entirely doable when not completely and utterly stressed out.
Last, get your weight to where you want it to be. I remember when I "felt" obese at 185 (my then bf even called me fat - I'm 6'1"). Once I started figuring out my triggers for overeating and gaining weight (him), I changed my life (got rid of him), started getting used to less food (painful) and lost 40 pounds. I'd like to lose another 10 (vanity) but I'm pretty happy with where I'm at. Cuz let's face it: a woman who feels good looks AWESOME no matter her weight or girth.
You go girl!!
Oh, honey. I'm sorry that you're having so many issues right now. I can't tell you what to do as far as Orgo, but having been down this road (both with depression and doing a post-bacc. program), I would say put your health first. The timeline really isn't going to matter in the end, and taking it from someone who was six years out of college when she started med. school, NO ONE is going to look at you and go, "Geez, what were you DOING?" They don't really care, as long as you show that your interest in medicine was continual. Secondly, Orgo. is one of those classes that you don't need in real life. I'm not telling you that to further frustrate you. I'm telling you so that you know that if you can just grit your teeth and endure it, you don't really have to remember it after MCATs. I actually preferred taking it in the summer, for many of the reasons you pointed out (it was overwhelming and anxious to be in a lecture hall with hundreds of people). In the summer, if you can do it by itself, it will probably feel less daunting. Also, get a tutor if you need one. The dirty little secret of a lot of pre-meds/med students is that tutors are fairly common. Since we are always the "smart" ones, it's hard to admit defeat, but seriously, get a tutor to help you out. There's no shame in that. Finally, I hope that you get your meds. situation worked out. I still struggle with occasional anxiety and there's nothing worse that wasting empty time, just because you're anxious. Hang in there, dear! xoxo
@ADoc2Be and @ RedStethoscope... this is long over due, but thank you both for your advice. I am taking one class this semester to allow me more time to focus on my health. I am just trying to take it day by day and stay positive
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